What A Lot of Baloney
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency smuggles some illegal meat from Mexico to make ends meet.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is hiding in some refrigerator somewhere. I was just wondering what things the Figgis Agency did to earn some money while Archer was in a coma. Then I saw something weird on the news and I got this idea.**

 **What A Lot Of Baloney **

"I'm sorry Pam," Lana blinked. "You want us to do **what now**?"

"Krieger, Cheryl and I got a sweet deal," Pam explained to the majority of the Figgis Agency, minus Mallory and Archer. "We go to Mexico. Sneak in some bologna and sausages and sell it on the black market! In fact we already got a buyer!"

"You want us to illegally import meat for profit?" Cyril blinked.

"Look the Figgis Agency ain't exactly doing gangbusters," Pam explained. "We need a little something-something on the side. Just to keep us afloat until we get some more cases."

"We do need money in the worst way," Cyril admitted.

"So we can get it in the Wurst way," Krieger quipped. "Get it?"

"There are these rare special kinds of sausages and meats that are made in Mexico," Pam said. "Real delicacies some rich bitch will pay out her surgically altered nose for."

"My cousin Camilla Tunt had the worst plastic surgeon," Cheryl scoffed. "But she's like obsessed with rare food. Pam convinced me to call her and set it all up. She's our buyer."

"And Krieger knows a guy in Mexico that will sell it to us," Pam grinned. "We smuggle it over the border and sell it to Camilla for a huge chunk of change. Easy peasy."

"Pam don't take this the wrong way," Lana sighed. "But this sounds an awful lot like one of Mallory's insane schemes."

"Maybe but this one can't miss," Pam grinned.

"Yes, it can," Ray snapped. "If they stop us at the border. They won't be able to miss us with their bullets."

"How can they stop something they can barely see?" Pam grinned.

"What?" Ray blinked.

"We figured out a way," Pam said. "But we need all of you to come."

"Phrasing boom!" Cheryl crowed.

"All we have to do is take out ten thousand dollars from our accounts," Pam said.

 **"Ten thousand dollars?"** Cyril shouted.

"To buy the meat," Pam went on. "And then we will sell the meat for a profit of, get this. Thirty-five grand a share!"

"Thirty-five **thousand dollars**?" Cyril gasped.

 _"Each?"_ Ray gasped.

"Yeah," Cheryl laughed. "Camilla can't find a bargain with a map and a ton of coupons. It's worth it to screw her over in the worst way."

"In this case the Wurst way," Krieger grinned.

"You already did that joke," Pam told him.

"Well it was Wurst repeating," Krieger went on.

"That joke really is the Wurst," Ray quipped.

"Thirty-five grand would help this agency," Cyril admitted.

"Thirty-five grand would help my wallet," Ray said. "I'm in!"

"Me too," Cyril said. "As long as we don't tell Mallory."

"Who's gonna tell her?" Pam snorted.

"Yeah screw that bitch," Ray agreed.

"I don't know guys," Lana sighed. "I don't feel comfortable with smuggling and selling contraband pork products. It could be unsafe."

"But you had no problems smuggling and trying to sell **cocaine,** " Cyril gave her a look.

"And how much of AJ's tuition do you **actually pay**?" Pam added.

"Don't say you don't need the money," Cheryl added. "Because we all know as a single mother you're not exactly swimming in cash."

"You need this money, Lana," Ray added. "Not to mention those cute boots we saw in the window of that store the other day."

Lana sighed. "Okay fine! I guess this isn't the worst thing we've done so I'm in."

"You mean the…" Krieger began.

"Don't even **think** of it!" Lana snapped. "What's the plan, Pam?"

"Step One," Pam said. "Cyril gets us ten grand from the agency's accounts without Ms. Archer knowing about it."

"Since she's visiting Archer all day not a problem," Cyril got up. "I'm going to the bank."

"You might want to stay behind too," Lana suggested. "In case we need bail money."

"Not a bad idea actually," Ray agreed.

"Step Two," Pam said. "We're going to Mexico baby!"

Cut to the following day on a road in Mexico…

"But why are we going in **my car?"** Lana snapped as she drove. "Why can't we take Krieger's van?" She was dressed in tourist type clothes with Pam in the shotgun seat. Ray, Krieger and Cheryl were wearing tourist type clothes in the back.

"Are you kidding me?" Pam snorted. She was drinking a bottle of beer and also dressed in tourist clothes. "Krieger's van? The SS Contraband? With **the tinted windows**?"

"Might as well paint a huge sign on the side," Ray quipped. "Saying 'Hey Look What We're Trying To Smuggle Across The Border!'"

"Exactly," Pam nodded. "No, your car is better Lana. It says we're a bunch of office workers going out and blowing off steam in a bar."

"We did stop at a bar," Lana reminded her. "And a small market."

"That was Step Three," Pam told her. "Adding an element of truth to our tale."

"As well as some nice jewelry on sale," Cheryl grinned as she looked at a bracelet on her wrist. "Pretty!"

"Yeah you love the shiny things," Ray rolled his eyes.

"I do," Cheryl sighed happily. "I really do."

Pam went on. "Now for Step Four. Getting the meat!"

"And where are we getting this meat **exactly?** " Lana asked with a sigh.

"I know a guy," Krieger said.

"Of course you do," Lana groaned.

Shortly after at a small farm in a deserted area…

"Aldorph!" A tanner version of Krieger in a white shirt and jeans with sandals greeted them.

"Alejandro!" Krieger cheered as they hugged.

"Okay to be fair," Pam groaned as the others watched. "I wasn't aware of **this part** of the plan."

"Is it weird I'm getting **used** to this?" Lana sighed.

"It would be weirder if you weren't," Ray remarked.

"So…" Lana sighed. "This is another one of your clones Krieger?"

"Alejandro Krieger at your service!" He made a little bow. He also had a slight Mexican accent.

"Yup, yup, yup," Krieger nodded. "You got the goods?"

"Si, hermano," Alejandro nodded. He went to a table with a crate and opened up the crate.

"It looks just like regular meat to me," Lana blinked at the rolls of sausage and baloney in the crate.

"This is no ordinary meat," Alejandro explained. "This is specially smoked and cured chorizo. Very high quality. And the baloney is made from the finest homemade ingredients."

"Apparently Mexican baloney is hot in the gourmet foodie world right now," Pam explained. "People get stopped at the border all the time for smuggling them in."

"This is a **thing?** " Ray blinked. "This is actually a _thing?_ "

"This is a thing," Krieger nodded. "A very big thing that people actually pay out the wazoo for!"

"This stuff is even more valuable than caviar or cocaine right now," Alejandro nodded. "How do you think that I am able to pay off the local cartel? Speaking of payment…"

Pam took out the money from her purse. "Ten thousand American bucks. As promised."

"Thank you!" Alejandro took the money with glee.

"So, you'd rather not be paid in pesos?" Ray asked.

"Let's just say American money travels a lot farther and leave it at that," Alejandro shrugged.

"Hang on," Lana spoke up. "I feel like I **have** to ask this question. You are a Krieger. So…Are any of your pigs radioactive?"

"That is a fair question," Krieger admitted.

"Not the ones I turn into meat," Alejandro waved. "Only the pets."

"SQUEEEE!"

"Cerdoly! NO!" Alejandro shouted at a green pig in the front seat of the truck. "You're not allowed to drive yet! You only have a learner's permit!"

"And now for Step Five," Pam grinned. "Getting the meat across the border."

"So how are we going to hide all that meat in my car?" Lana groaned.

"We're not," Pam grinned. "That's the beauty of the plan. And where Ray comes in."

"What do you mean ' _Where Ray comes in'_?" Ray asked. Then it hit him. "Oh no…You mean…?"

"Why do you think I gave you those new running shoes before we left?" Krieger pointed to the sneakers on Ray's feet.

"And packed some black clothes and some night gear goggles?" Pam added. "And an extra-large backpack?"

"God damn it!" Ray groaned.

Cheryl laughed. "You're the mule! He he…"

"Ray you're the most important player of this caper," Pam said.

"You get to carry Krieger's meat on your back!" Cheryl laughed. "Phrasing!"

"Damn it!" Ray groaned.

"Que?" Alejandro blinked. "Why is he so important?"

"He's a cyborg with bionic legs!" Pam said. "So…"

Later that night on the American side of the Mexican border. Two border patrol agents had parked their jeep in the desert. "It's all quiet…" One said as he looked through some binoculars. "Hang on…Something's coming in fast!"

"Meep! Meep!" Ray shouted as he zoomed by, creating a cloud of dust.

"Damn roadrunners," The border patrol agent coughed. "Get bigger and faster every year!"

"Was it me or did that one kind of smell like baloney?" The second one asked.

"You think **everything** smells like baloney!" The first border patrol agent snapped.

Meanwhile in a small town near the border…

"This is baloney," Lana groaned as she waited by the car with the others in a junkyard. "Literally…"

"Oh, stop bitching Lana," Pam groaned as she listened to the car radio.

"Ugh how long is it gonna take?" Cheryl was lying on the hood of the car. "We've been waiting **forever!"**

"Ray had to wait until it got dark," Lana snapped. "Plus, he's running through a **desert!** To a location he's never been before."

"I put the GPS coordinates in his phone," Krieger said. "Ray should be here…"

ZOOOOOM!

"Right about now," Krieger said as Ray arrived.

"UGH!" Cheryl got up. "What **kept you?"**

"Damn roadrunners," Ray quipped. He took some breaths. "Whoo…Good thing I've been on an exercise kick lately. Bionic legs or not that's a workout!"

"Well we can take you back to the agency," Lana said. "Cyril just called. Cheryl's cousin is coming…"

"Phrasing! Boom!" Cheryl snapped.

"Shut up!" Lana said to Cheryl. Then she went on. "We're going to do the handoff at the agency."

"What about Ms. Archer?" Ray asked as he handed the backpack to Lana. "What if she comes…?"

"Phrasing!" Cheryl added.

"SHUT UP!" Ray snapped. "Comes into work?"

"She won't," Lana said. "I called Mallory's phone a while ago. Ron answered. She came home straight from the hospital to the absinthe on her bar."

"So, she's out cold?" Ray asked.

"Like a polar bear in a blizzard," Pam grinned.

Later at the agency…

"More like the Mummy in the dead of night," Ray muttered to Lana as they looked out the window. A wrapped up female figure in a long coat escorted by her chauffeur carrying the meats in a box was shown. The chauffer put the box in a Rolls Royce parked on the side of the street.

"I don't care if she's the Bride of Frankenstein," Cyril remarked as he counted a pile of money on the table. "Having an affair with both Dracula and the Wolfman. For the money she paid us she can be anything she wants!"

"If you have enough green in your wallet you **can** be anything you want!" Pam whooped as she got her share.

"I know, right?" Cheryl laughed.

"Here are your cuts," Cyril doled out the money. "Good news! We get to have electricity and running water this month!"

"Hooray for basic necessities," Ray counted his money.

Cheryl was giggling. "You carried Krieger's pork. There's a phrasing joke in there somewhere."

"I can't believe we actually did this," Lana groaned as she counted her money.

"Lana it's money we need and Ms. Archer isn't going to get her greedy hands on," Cyril snapped.

"No, I mean I can't believe we actually pulled off smuggling illegal meat into the country," Lana told him.

 **"We?"** Ray glared at her. "I didn't see **you** lugging twenty pounds of sausage through the desert on **your back!"**

"Something bad is going to happen," Lana groaned. "I just know it."

"If you feel that strongly about it," Ray looked at her. "I can take your cut."

"I didn't say that!" Lana pulled her money protectively towards her. "I did drive the car to Mexico! I was the driver! I **earned** this money!"

"We all earned this money," Cyril told them.

"What exactly did **you** do again?" Cheryl blinked.

"He got us the scratch in the first place," Pam reminded her.

"That's right," Cyril said. "And now I'm going to put twenty grand of my earnings into the bank for the agency. We made a tidy profit. Which we are **never** to tell Ms. Archer about! EVER!"

"Or Archer," Lana warned.

"Yeah knowing him he'd want a cut," Krieger nodded. "For **some** reason."

"And Ms. Archer," Pam nodded.

"Well I'm taking my cut and going on a little spending spree at the junkyard!" Krieger grinned. "Oh what the hell? I'm gonna go more upscale this time! Get myself a little treat at the black market! I could always use a new proton accelerator!" He ran off.

"Another reason why the economy sucks," Pam quipped.

Three days later the Figgis Agency (with the obvious exceptions of Archer and Mallory) was watching TV in the bullpen.

"This is Darlene Love," The familiar African American reporter for Jaguar News spoke on camera. "More troubles for the embattled former Hollywood director…"

"Just say director," Pam groaned.

"Marv Vinestein…" Darlene went on. "In addition to seven hundred counts of sexual harassment and several pending warrants for sexual assault, a new charge has been brought up. The possession of contraband meat from Mexico."

"Oh no…" Ray groaned.

"I was right," Lana groaned. "Something bad **did happen**!"

"Relatively," Pam remarked.

Darlene was standing in front of a large mansion. "Vinestein was having a fundraising party at his house called 'Save The Status Quo'. Clearly just a ruse for raising money for his legal fees from what few friends in high places he had left. Police were tipped off by an anonymous caller that they were in violation of the FDA's rules on illegal meat."

An image of a police sergeant being interviewed with the name Sgt. Blank was shown. "Normally the police wouldn't respond to such a tip like this. Especially to one of a celebrity. But since this is an accused celebrity well…You know? But we did find several illegal pork products from Mexico. Which apparently caused a lot of major food poisoning among several guests."

"Hey Sarge!" Someone called out. "You gotta try this grilled sausage! It's great!"

"DON'T EAT THE SAUSAGE!" Sgt. Blank shouted. "IT MIGHT BE POISONED!"

The camera cut to a scene of several officers including Detectives Dietrich and Harris eating sausage. "Uh oh…" Detective Dietrich gulped.

"His idea!" Detective Harris pointed to Dietrich.

"WHAT?" Detective Dietrich shouted.

"Fortunately for the officers," Darlene reported again. "There were no ill effects from the sausage. Lab tests show only the baloney was tainted."

"Well at least the chorizo was fine," Ray remarked. Everyone looked at him. "What? It was!"

"There's always problems when it comes to the bologna," Krieger agreed.

"Twenty-five people were poisoned including Vinestein himself," Darlene reported. "Vinestein was charged on his hospital bed with several counts of possession of illegal contraband. As well as another sexual harassment lawsuit from one of the waitresses."

"I knew it," Lana groaned. "I **knew** something like this would happen but I did it anyway!"

"Oh my God Lana," Cheryl snapped. "It's not like we poisoned a school or anything. Although that does sound like fun."

"Yeah I mean…" Pam shrugged. "If you think about it, kind of poetic justice. A guy was poisoned by pork and he's accused of pork…"

"WE GET IT PAM!" Cyril shouted. "SHUT UP!"

Just then a phone rang. "You want me to get that Cheryl?" Ray groaned.

"No need," Cheryl took out her own phone. "It's my phone." She answered it. "Hello!"

"So, it's just **our phone** you won't answer?" Cyril groaned.

"It's Camilla," Cheryl said. She turned her attention back to the phone. "Huh. Uh huh. I see. Hmmm…Good news, the chorizo turned out great!"

"That's what I said," Ray groaned.

"Yeah, we're watching the news," Cheryl spoke into the phone. "Really? The baloney **did** turn out better than expected? Really? Hang on."

"So, your cousin isn't mad?" Pam asked.

"Are you kidding? She's willing to pay us a quarter million if we get her more meat," Cheryl said. "She wants to send them out as Christmas presents to people she hates. And more chorizo for people she likes."

"Cheryl…" Lana sighed.

"Did I mention most of those people on the hate list run hedge funds?" Cheryl added. "And are politicians? That voted for their own pay raises while cutting budgets of several women's health programs?"

Lana paused. "Still…"

"As well as a few dozen guys she's worked with before that have sexually harassed her and other women in the past," Cheryl went on.

"Still…" Lana paused.

"And…" Cheryl added. "At least ten of them are lobbyists for major pharmaceutical companies that drove up health care costs while lowering tax payments for their bosses. Let's just say Camilla has a huge grudge against them upping the price of Botox."

Lana sighed. "Well it's not like anyone is **forcing** them to eat the meat."

"Yeah, I'd bet half of them would just throw it out anyway," Pam added. "It is going to be a gift from a Tunt after all."

"So, you should suspect **some kind** of poisoning," Cyril rationalized. "And we do need the money. As well as some kind of insurance…"

"And I've been wanting to spend more time with my clones anyway," Krieger added.

"Good news Camilla," Cheryl spoke into the phone. "I think we can arrange something."

"I'll get my running shoes," Ray got up with a sigh.


End file.
